Sometimes, while I am in prayer, I am especially blessed with images or words that I know are from God. This past spring, I went on my 3rd annual silent retreat to the Jesuit Spirituality Center in Grand Coteau, Louisiana (highly recommend!). The retreat is completely silent for 3 full days with the exception of daily Mass and a daily, hour long meeting with a spiritual director who gives several scripture passages to pray with contemplatively throughout that day.
During one particular prayer time, I was praying Psalm 147 and was especially struck by verse 3 about the Lord healing the brokenhearted and binding up their wounds. At first I was confused as to why this was standing out so strongly to me…I mean, everything is great, what wounds??? As I reflected deeper and looked back over my past year,
I realized that I was wounded and was in need of healing. By wounded, I don’t mean any deep wounds, but just the minor scrapes and bruises that pile up in our hearts and still need to heal.
I had a humbling year in many ways, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and especially as a mother…Prayer times that were dry and desolate had become more frequent than the ones that were full of consolation. I still prayed each day, even when I didn’t feel like it. I felt, though at times, as if God had somehow abandoned me and taken my spiritual gifts and consolations from me. I knew in my mind that this was not true, this is all part of the journey, and that if we only pray because we receive consolation from God than we are missing the point, but it was still frustrating. These are the prayer times, however, when God is doing the most work in our souls. Perseverance is the key.
This is just one of the many spiritual battles that we have to fight and that strengthen us.
Saint Padre Pio once said, “Jesus is with you even when you don’t feel his presence. He is never so close to you as He is during your spiritual battles” and Saint John of the Cross said, “The endurance of darkness is the preparation for great light” and “never give up prayer, and should you find dryness and difficulty, persevere in it for this very reason. God often desires to see what love your soul has, and love is not tried by ease and satisfaction”.
So, what does this have to do with a persistent blue jay?
After my prayer time with Psalm 147, I was exhausted and took a long nap. When I woke, I had a beautiful vision placed on my heart. Jesus was crouched down with His hand extended out to a little blue jay, trying to get near to her. The blue jay had a broken wing and would walk towards Jesus seeking help. Just when Jesus was close enough to pick the blue jay up, the little bird would run away. She would squawk at Him and after a time, timidly walk back to him. This went on several times until finally the blue jay allowed Jesus to pick her up. All He had to do was pass His hand over the broken wing, which healed her completely and she was immediately able to fly.
I am the blue jay.
This past year, I would spend time with Jesus in prayer every day as I have for many years, and ask for help, but for some reason I was not allowing Him to fully heal me. I wasn’t willing to completely let go of the things that were ‘binding’ me, all the little things that had piled up. I felt as if He had somehow abandoned me because of some of the things I was going through. But, really, He was standing at the door and knocking (Rev 3:20). I think, maybe, some days I was just cracking the door slightly instead of swinging the door wide open and allowing His grace to fully engulf me. The blue jay was persistent but the persistence of Jesus can never be outdone.
Living GRACE-fully 